Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Directionless in Prunetucky

Christina Aguilera started out all right, but she had a problem with the ramparts -- specifically, the "O'er the ramparts we watched" line, which she left out altogether. What the hell are “ramparts’ anyways? According to Urban Dictionary:
A defensive fortification made of an earthen embankment, often topped by a low protective wall.
Then of course there’s
Ass Rampart
A barrier for your ass or underwear.

Poor Christina. She belted our National hymn with more mega-phone power than Patti Labelle, yet she forgot the words.
On a cheerier note, I was surfing various categories on Craigslist today and came across this ad under real estate for sale by owner. (No, it’s not my ad.)

$18,430 / 2br - REDUCED! Double Wine Mobile Home in Senior Park
Ok so I’m thinking, a lucky senior not only gets a reduction in price for
this piece of crap, but also gets a double dose of their favorite vino!
I called. We had a cordial conversation until the seller realized I had absolutely no interest in purchasing his unit, but was simply trying to politely state the typo in his ad. I hate when people can turn on a dime, but I guess my humor is a bit cracked today due to a pulled hamstring that hurts like a “mutha” so I continued to place my order for Cupcake Merlot or J Lohr Chardonnay…
Yes… the hamstring. I have embellished the whole ordeal with a handful of strangers by saying I was playing point guard on a city league team when I went up for a nasty, but clearly not impossible lay-up, rather than make a pass I couldn’t connect, and came down hard under the hoop. Of course, because of my intense dedication and love for the game, I continued playing and pushed through the pain, agony and burning sensations that were shooting up my ass. (Too bad I wasn’t wearing my “ass rampart.”)
Truth is hard and cold like an ice cube and to tell someone that I was simply carrying a jug of water and attempted to step over a 2.5-3 foot piece of plywood, missed and landed wrong simply is absurd…but more absurd than that? Try this:

British Town To Heat Pool With Crematorium
A British town council says it has approved plans to use the heat from a crematorium to warm up the swimming pool next door.
The local authority in Redditch, a town outside Birmingham in central England, says the move will cut energy waste. Work on a link between the town's crematorium and its new leisure centre will begin later this year following the council decision. A senior official from Unison, Britain's second biggest trade union, has called the plan "sick, insulting and insensitive". However, Redditch Borough Council leader Carole Gandy says correspondence showed that up to nine in 10 locals were in favor of the idea. "Many respondents have in fact praised the council for being so innovative and for being willing to discuss the idea openly," she said. "We have been careful to explain how the technology would work, that it is tried and trusted, and that the practice is quite common in parts of Europe and especially in Sweden. "The heating scheme will be the first of its kind in Britain. The council says the plan will save more than $22,500 a year.
That’s all folks! I had no map tonight!
As if the obvious needs stating.


  1. A very fun smorgasborg of ideas!!! At least you didn't pull your hamstring chasing a a squirrel.

  2. @ Thanks Jj! You made me laugh out loud before 6:00 AM!