It’s a bitch to dump 3 cups of coffee on any given morning.
The action rubs me the wrong way on so many levels…
First off, I buy over-priced Peet’s as it is, and prepare it the same way I have for over 17 years; individual cone filter. I had to dump it not once, not twice but three times yesterday morning because the taste was quite wrong and I was both incoherent and baffled.
Dumping my Major Dickason is like dumping glasses of Tangueray…
My pocketbook says, “Ouch!” So you know damn well, it wasn’t workin for me.
Secondly, this action hits hard on my psyche. Let’s just say various mood swings hit with a vengeance. You see, my first thought when I open these baby blues each morning is “Coffee.” It happens to be my second thought also. When it doesn’t happen, I become a female Godzilla on the loose in Monterey County in a matter of seconds.
The first dump, I blamed my partner for leaving the bag of Peet’s opened and unsealed for a couple of days. The second dump, I blamed Safeway for selling me possibly old and most likely rancid sugar and the third dumping…I blamed the entire Peet’s corporation.
By the time I was ready to crawl out of my skin, I noticed the label on the Half n Half carton:
Guilty. I'M the a@*#!hole who purchased the f@#*!ing Fat Free Half n Half the day before.
This may appear minor to most of you; especially you green tea drinkers or purists who are satisfied mixing hot water with lemon in the morning to start your day with a smile, but for me, a day without Peet’s Major Dic and REAL Half n Half is like a day without sunshine.
I decided to do some investigating... just how do they make Half n Half “fat free"?
Yawn. Yawn. It’s pretty pathetic actually…
Well, it seems they substitute the fat from cream with nonfat milk and corn syrup solids for thickening. And here’s the real scam-it’s NOT less calories than the real McCoy! Drinking this crap fills your mouth with a chemical-like flavor that’s hard to forget. You’re still getting the same number of calories; just sugar calories not fat calories and you get to become "Bitch For A Day" because you end up drinking absolutely no coffee.
Fat Free Half n Half is an oxymoron. End of story.
The word, Oxymoron, by the way, is a Greek term derived from oxy ("sharp") and moros ("dull"). Thus, the word oxymoron is itself an oxymoron.
Like you, I tend to have my personal favorites…
Decent trailer park
Or this phrase:
“Let's just be honest, you've got as much of a chance as opportunity trailer park.”
And when you live in a park, you speak in daily oxymoron-tongue…
This thing builds steam like a run away train!
“This is a fine mess you’ve got me into.” Or “he dun got himself flat busted last night.”
“When Kimmie goes out to listen to country music, she wears her dress pants and gets herself dead drunk.”
“Hey, hun, we got any more of that dry gin?” or “Fred’s neighbor is a jailbird and used to belong to the Hell’s Angels…’course his cousin’s a functioning alcoholic who freeloads in the park and poses as a guest resident.”
“Ya know, Space 21, that horribly decent one with all them kids… she’s goin on a Fresno Vacation if the kids all behave and she don’t have to give ‘em a good beating first.”
Mean Mary…Dang she's purty too.
A few more…
Meaningful overnight relationship, extra large shrimp and Vacation Bible School.
And of course, deliver me from evil, but I must mention these:
Sanitary landfill, slightly pregnant, Bipartisan cooperation, Democratic Party, and Peace Keeper Missile.
I’ve been exhausted all day without my caffeine. Walking around in some daze that can’t even be cured with 3 generic Advil. Some days are just like that,
I suppose. But rather than fight it, I decided to just go with it, and for most of us, that means, staying in jammies all day and reading some good shit online.
Speaking of good shit, may I suggest you check out the one and only, very talented Pamela Ribon. Pamela is a TV writer and best-selling novelist who I am wishin and hopin I get the chance to meet at the Austin Film Festival in October.
Yep, I’m heading to Austin in October and I am so ‘effin excited I can barely stay in my saddle! I’ve been reading ‘til my eyes feel like sheets of medium-coarse sandpaper.
I already purchased an AFF hat. Here’s the cool digs I’ll be staying at.
Looks a little phallic, I know, but check out the ‘50’s pool! It’s located in downtown Austin in the eclectic, quirky part (Are there any parts of Austin that aren’t eclectic and quirky?) I’m in walking distance of the greenbelt, museums, music halls, coffeehouses that use real Half n Half, and of course, the festival.
I’ll keep y’all abreast of what’s to come. I’ll be daily blogging from Austin for your reading pleasure.
While planning Austin and my unique approach while there, I’ve also been working on various entrepreneur-type plans, since that seems the best course for a girl like me right now... Many frown at my resume’s employment history which states Trailer Park Manager under my professional experience but I have some very impressive credentials. So, I‘ve decided to venture out and be my own boss. Why the hell not?!
In looking at various newspapers and publications that I might want to advertise my upcoming workshops and events in, I came across this classified ad. It isn’t exactly an oxymoron, but it is somewhat disturbing. I wonder if the dude gets much business. I also wonder what The Sierra Club and Surfrider Foundation would have to say about it…
TRASH IT BY THE SEA
Hauling is my calling. Yard Waste and household debris. Garage and total house cleanouts. Gardeners welcome. Call Michael anytime.
Have a cautiously optimistic weekday!