Sunday, September 2, 2012

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Quite entertaining to watch Mr. Clint “Get Off My Lawn Because I Carry a Smith & Wesson” Eastwood the other night.  WTF?  I thought the Republican Party had enough bank to hire speech editors.   Clint always gives himself the starring role and he definitely deserves an “Oscar nod” for his performance  with an imaginary President Obama in an empty chair saying imaginary(and disrespectful) things like "I can't tell him to do that to himself." True to the characters he plays, like Josey Wales, Will Munny or Harry Callahan, Clint is as tough as a steel railroad spike and obviously, just as phallic. 
After Clint’s stellar performance at the RNC, the term “Eastwooding” quickly became word and his name hit Twitter over 60,000 times in less than 24 hours according to a trailer park girl’s bible, Wikipedia.  Shit, those guys at Wikipedia are quicker than the fast-dry cycle at the Prunedale laundry mat.  Smarter too.
Since he was once the mayor very close to where I now reside, I decided to read not about
Mr. Eastwood the actor/director, but more so about Mr. Eastwood, the man.
Here’s his track record on relationships.  If you decide to skim this Clint bio, 
I'll summarize.  He's a total womanizer!  Seems he has trouble keeping his railroad spike in his pants, especially on a movie set.

Eastwood has fathered at least seven children by five different women and been described as a "serial womanizer".  He had affairs with actresses Catherine DeneuveJill BannerJamie Rose, Inger StevensJo Ann HarrisJean Seberg, script analyst Megan Rose,[254][256] James Brolin's former wife Jane, columnist Bridget Byrne, and swimming champion Anita Lhoest.
Eastwood married Maggie Johnson on December 19, 1953, six months after they met on a blind date. While separated from Johnson, Eastwood had an affair with dancer Roxanne Tunis, with whom he had his first child, Kimber Tunis (born June 17,1964); he did not publicly acknowledge her until 1996. After a reconciliation, he had two children with Johnson: Kyle Eastwood (born May 19,1968) and Alison Eastwood (born May 22,1972). Eastwood filed for divorce in 1979 after another long separation, but the $25 million divorce settlement was not finalized until May 1984.
Eastwood entered a relationship with actress Sondra Locke in 1975. They lived together for fourteen years, despite the fact that Locke remained married (in name only) to her gay husband, Gordon Anderson. Locke had two abortions and a tubal ligation within the first four years of the relationship. The couple co-starred in six films together:The Outlaw Josey WalesThe GauntletEvery Which Way but LooseBronco BillyAny Which Way You Can, and Sudden Impact. On April 10, 1989, while Locke was directing the film Impulse, Eastwood changed the locks on their Bel Air home, had many of her possessions removed and placed in storage. Locke filed a palimony suit against Eastwood, then sued him a second time for fraud, regarding a phony directing contract he set up for her in settlement of the first lawsuit.  Eastwood and Locke finally resolved the dispute with a non-public settlement in 1999. Her autobiography, The Good, the Bad, and the Very Ugly, includes a harrowing account of Eastwood's treatment of her during the events surrounding their separation.
During the last four years of his cohabitation with Locke, Eastwood had an intermittent, hidden affair with flight attendant Jacelyn Reeves. According to biographers, the two met at a pub in Carmel, and conceived a son, Scott Reeves (born March 21,1986), at the premiere of Pale Rider. They also had a daughter, Kathryn Reeves (born February 2,1988). The birth certificates for both children stated "Father declined." Although they were mentioned in exposé articles as early as 1997, Eastwood did not present his and Reeves' children to the public until 2002. Kathryn served as Miss Golden Globe at the 2005 ceremony where she presented Eastwood with an award for Million Dollar Baby.
In 1990, Eastwood began living with actress Frances Fisher, whom he had met on the set of Pink Cadillac (1989). They co-starred in Unforgiven, and had a daughter, Francesca Fisher-Eastwood (born August 7,1993). The couple ended their relationship in early 1995, but remain friends and later acted together in True Crime.

Eastwood with wife Dina in 2007
Eastwood subsequently began dating Dina Ruiz, a television news anchor 35 years his junior, whom he had first met when she interviewed him in 1993. They married on March 31, 1996, when Eastwood surprised her with a private ceremony at a home on the Shadow Creek Golf Course in Las Vegas. After their wedding, Dina commented "The fact that I am only the second woman he has married really touches me."The couple have one daughter, Morgan Eastwood (born December 12,1996)."

And what about a conservative Latina governor who packs heat? Now that’s worth sitting up on the sofa and munching a bag of pre-popped corn!  Governor Martinez of New Mexico declared the other night at the RNC that she packed a Smith & Wesson .357 and understands what gun rights are all about. 
Well, sheeee it.  God bless her and Viva la NRA!

I remember a conversation I had with “Pinkie” from space 7 once upon a time. 
“Hell, I vote Republican because they’re the only ones who’ll protect my guns,
my right to bear arms.” 
Hmmm.  Let’s see Pink, you really need that “right” now don’t ya ‘cuz them thar squirrels are nasty little varmints, ain’t they?  Jump on yer neck, attack ya when yer back’s a turned.
Ya gotta be ready for ‘em.  
Well, the Romney/Ryan ticket is the ticket for you, Pink, because their platform is clear:
The party opposes legislation intended to restrict Second Amendment rights by limiting the capacity of clips or magazines or otherwise restoring the assault weapons ban passed during the Clinton presidency.  

Of course, Pink’s not worried about the lil amendment to change America’s Constitution.  
The one that just might infringe upon my rights a wee bit:

Or yours:

Y’all gotta watch this!  Please don’t skip it. Please. Please.
These delegates are being interviewed by Samantha Bee from The Daily Show.
It’s a bit ‘scratch-your-head-in-wonder’ because they’re talking about the essential and undeniable component of the American Dream:
Whatcha think?

I’m actually equally concerned about this too:

And this:

A resident from “outskirts” Louisiana spoke with candidate Romney yesterday, who lent a sympathetic ear and then told her to “Go home and dial 211” Since she has no home left, she told Mr. Romney that she will likely seek some other shelter because her home was submerged in water. She expressed frustration about the town's lack of flood protection. "We live outside the levee protection that's why we get all this water because they close the floodgates up front and all they're doing is flooding us out down here," she said. "It's very frustrating, very. We go through Katrina and Rita and now we're going through Cindy, Lee and now Isaac." 
Well, I’ll tell you why. Lots of rich folk live in the cities and we can’t have their mansions getting flooded and lots of po folk live “down here”  in the rural areas and we can get ‘em a single-wide within 6 months or so depending on FEMA and what they got going on.  
And because it's in my blood, I’m also very concerned about this:

Park folk or “trailers” as we are known in some circles, are among the groups that mostly live outside a levee protection zone.  Face it! You don’t put a trailer park in the middle of downtown San Francisco, Beverley Hills or Carmel-By-the-Sea, where the Western superstar, who talks to empty chairs,
owns a home. 
Like gay bars and animal rescue shelters, you gotta put them way the hell out of the city; in some far off, out of reach, dusty trail where there’s no cell phone reception even when using Verizon.
Out in the vicinity where the "powers that be" don't give a shit that buildings are not up to code or earthquake proof.   Hey! What about next to a toxic waste dumping ground! 

“Trailers” have a life to live and it’s a good one; one that revolves around 2 for 1 sales at the Dollar Tree and a good tuna in oil on white bread sandwich. 
My time in the park was what dreams are made of.  Like the time I got a call from space 30, complaining that her neighbor in 31 was seeking revenge for her narking on him for littering
cigarette butts. No, heavens, no.  
He didn’t share Pinkie or Clint’s philosophy of shoot first then ask the questions. 
Nor did he send her a threatening letter. 
Nope.  He simply attached 5 toilet seats to his rain gutters and strategically hung them facing her kitchen window.  Now that’s healthy revenge and nobody gets hurt.
My pal, who I taught 6th grade with during my pre-trailer park years, took out some revenge
on me one time.
I, upon gathering a very willing group of 6th graders one early weekday morning, dumped every single one of her students’ desks and played Musical Chairs with all the furniture.  Then we ”Raiderized” the entire classroom until it looked like someone threw up silver and black. 
(She was and still is a big time 49er fan.)
It’s all sweet and fun until the revenge component enters the picture, isn’t it?

Weeks passed and then one afternoon, I walked out to the staff parking lot to find my
truck covered in Oreo cookies.  I would guess they used at least 2-dozen bags, opening each and every cookie and smearing the sticky centers on every damn part of my vehicle.  The sun that day added an extra gooey texture that later became quite a challenge to remove.
“Dalmationized” she called it.  “Sweet revenge.”

Then I took out my 500 Cal Magnum and told her to get the hell off my lawn.
Just kidding.
In all seriousness, I love my prankster pal.  We’re still buddies to this day and I like how she votes too!
Hopefully, November will bring some satisfying revenge, aimed at the delusional, and may it occur at the voter box.
G’day mates! Happy Sunday.
~ tpg


  1. failed to remember when you wrapped my car, had it up on a tow truck, and had a CHP officer (two of my student's parent's helped with this) there...all I observed while on a school bus returning from a field trip! We had many fun adventures...those were the days!! I think I still need to revenge that!

  2. What a masterful number you pulled on the Clint Eastwood's of this world! Give 'em hell, TPG! Personally, I think I have a bad case of Clintasidus (or however the hell you spell it!), and am in a feverish state of rabid estrangement from this former mayor (that's little "m" for his performance at the RNC.) Did he get the old white guy vote with his tirade? Who knows? Must say, he did look and speak like his 82 years and those multiple relationships have taken their toll. Loved the Jon Stewart piece...yes, I watched it all. Thanks for the recommendation. So tonight, the Dems get to star. 'bout time! All in all, this blog was a funny piece of work and greatly appreciated by this, your loyal fan. More! More! PS Do you ever eat Oreos after your truck slathering? Hmmmm. All for now...time to cheer with the Yellow Dog Democrats! You go, Pres. Obama!