Friday, October 12, 2012

From the Trailer Park to the Changing Table... the Saga Continues...

Me: That's a doggie.
The Cousin: Doggie. Woof. Woof.
The Cousin: Doggie?
Me:  Yep. There's another dog.
The Cousin: Woof. Woof.
The Cousin: Doggie?
Me: Doggie. Uh, huh.  Another dog.
The Cousin: Woof. Woof...
This stimulating conversation continues for 30 minutes on the walking path near their house.

That's how we roll, me and The Cousin.  That constant and predictable repetition of verbiage that drives weak caregivers to totally lose it, but not me.
Some things just come with the job. Some things you just accept as part of the territory.
Things like repetitive jargon and poop.  Yes, poop.
Those are two things you can depend on when spending a day with Sweet Pea and The Cousin.
Let me sidetrack for a minute. I know this is random... 

My ‘aunt-n-law’ is a frugal girl from the north, and with the rising cost of cat litter, she informed me that she buys sand ‘in bulk’ from Home Depot, rather than boxed litter, on a regular basis. Evidently, the savings is enormous.
Last week, she headed to HD to buy her 'litter-sand' and after making her purchase,  she gassed up at USA “the cheapest pump in town for Christ-sake” and continued home to change Mao Mao’s urine & feces box.
She thought the bag was “heavier than shit” but paid her thoughts no mind, continuing to clean out the old and pour in the new.
A day or two passed and she went to scoop out Mao Mao’s excretions and the entire box was filled with large, solid, hulking rocks.  Mao Mao’s piss had turned to cement.
I guess she raised some hell at HD for moving the sand to a different area and putting cement in its place.

On Wednesdays, poop's an issue for me too.
How could it not be when you're working with 2 'machines' like the ones I work with?
I learned a big feces lesson last Wednesday: Never try and shake the poop out of the Pamper into the toilet.
This action results in the nuggets missing the toilet bowl completely
and going all over the white tile.

But they're sweet, you say. Yes they are. True that. But there are some 'new developments' brewing.
Y'all have heard of "sibling rivalry" right?  Well, I'd like to give you a brief overview on what I call "cousin envy".

"If I drop my elbow to her chest, it could easily look like an accident."

"Look at those locks. I bet I could take one without her knowing it."
You see, The Cousin was used to livin the high life; agreeable, easy and alone before Sweet Pea came along.
'Attention' was her middle name and she bathed in it like a pig in sunshine.
She was la reina, the queen, and that felt good to her, I'm sure.
But things have changed for her highness, as things often do.  And 'sometimes', (I could say 'often'  but I know their moms read my blog) she just can't refrain from a quick and covetous smack with the This Little Piggy Book  right across Sweet Pea's cheek or a right hook to her ribs. We had to have a conversation about pinching and squeezing her cousin's face and I think I made progress although her response was " Ibah... abin... gibby... ga... goo."  
Which for all I know translates, "Go to hell".

Once I noticed her take the plastic sifting shovel, and what started out as a gentle rub-pat on Sweet Pea's back, quickly became a hard pounding.  

I get it, though.   I grew up in a house with a mom that always believed me.  I have since apologized profusely to my little brother for the torture and antagonizing, the teasing, the egging him on until he reached a boiling point in which he couldn't take it any more. He'd then haul off and hit me and I'd then run crying to mommy. 
Yep, he'd get in serious trouble.  I'd get a hug.

As the Wednesday Nanny, I try to assess each situation individually and with fairness. 
Sweet Pea's no bowl of cherries, believe me.
Basically my strategy is simple.  I run it like boot camp.
This is especially effective when they are both awake.
However, when one's asleep, I ease up and I must admit, super cool things do happen. Like turning on PBS and getting down with Elmo the Musical: "...yip... yip... unky... the Elmo dance, it's funky" is what The Cousin and I find our groove to.
Also, exploring painting with water.  We went through two sets of clothes, but hell, I don't do the laundry!

Dipping big brushes in big bowls of water and 'painting' the chair, the pumpkins, the table is 100% pure, unadulterated fun.
(We both shared a moment of silence; a prayer if you will,  prior to this activity. We asked God to keep Sweet Pea asleep for as long as possible).
But Sweet Pea does eventually wake up, and when she does, it briefly looks like this:

And this is nice while it lasts.
But of course, it never f*#!ing lasts.
Good thing I have a partner who pops the cork and pours 'the grape' right as I'm walking
in the door.


  1. I am loving this Nanny blog Che! The poop picture: Not so much....but I understand the need and I appreciate your "up close and personal with TPG on Wed." photo montage. Perhaps you can start filming a documentary and we can go on the Film Festival circuit? Just a thought....

  2. Like the last blog, I was dying laughing! The stories are the point that I could picture the situation (agreed with Shem, didn't need the poop picture). I can just see you painting the house with inventive is that!
    Can't wait for the next poopie blog!


  3. As usual, reading your blog has lifted my spirits and reestablished my gratitude for NOT deciding one child wasn't enough. : ) My hats off to you TPG!

  4. OMG, that was just exactly the laugh I needed as midnight approaches. I'm gonna do the yip yip unky unky funky dance each and every time I take this life too seriously. Thank you Ms. Fern for your vivid portrait of life on the Nanny Side.......
    with woof,

  5. Decidedly fragrant and funny. I think I'd like that unky unky funky dance too. Nanny Val, better apply some lotion to The Cousin's bottom for tranquility's sake.
    Thanks again for the laughs! Especially about the cement in the cat litter box...even Kitty the Pooh laughed at that!

  6. I too enjoyed the blog. I had two favorite spots, one is the cement in the litter box and the other is how amazing it is that Sweet Pea can do one handed push ups at her age. Keep them coming TPG!