Life Unscripted

As many of you know, I taught elementary school for several years, beginning in the '90's.
Like the trailer park, I have retained numerous memories that make me laugh out loud
when I recall them. One in particular was when I was teaching a 2nd grade in the fall of 1998...
We were studying the process of how food gets to our table; meaning, the farm to the Save-Mart to the fridge thing.  I don't know if you realize this, but many children think that the food
on their plates originate at Safeway on aisle 5. Anyway, we were studying nuts (No, not my personal history) and when we looked at regions where various nuts were grown and that day, we did a lesson on peanuts.  We sang a song called "Oh! Peanut Butter" and read books on peanut farming and even ground our own nuts to make the chunky butter.  I'll never forget this one little girl writing in her journal about all that she had learned...
"Today we made penis buter.  I lik penis buter. penis gro on trees."

Recently, I was reading an old article in The Huffington Post on unintentionally inappropriate drawings by kids.

The last one brought back a memory of my first year teaching 6th grade. I had the class from hell and I don't care how that sounds to all of my politically correct readers.  I was barely hanging on day in and day out. At about mid-year, I looked out my classroom window and I saw the principal and the vice-principal walking toward my room with a student's journal in their hands.  They wanted to see if recognized the handwriting.  There were 3 sketches of people, each with giant "talk bubbles" above them.  Each person was nude, and I might add, drawn with explicit detail and accuracy.
I had large tits.  My bubble said something like, "I want to have hot sex with Dr. S."  The others' followed along the same lines.  As my principal (Dr. S) questioned me as to who might have done this, I felt my face bursting into flames.   Suddenly, it was as if I had been immersed in 20 feet of water.
All went silent.   I could see his lips moving but I couldn't hear a damn thing.
Days later, I told a 6th grade colleague and her response to it was, "Well, didn't you tell Dr. S. that it isn't true?" 

Nannyhood

In all my years of chronic caffeine addiction, I never thought I could make my cup of coffee too strong. Somehow I did this morning. You can peel it off my front teeth like old carpet.
I'm drinking it though as a matter of necessity.

So, this week I was on hiatus from the babes. No, I didn't need a break, folks.
I was out of town.
Most certainly, I still have material.
First, let me start by introducing you to Nugget.
Nugget is one of The Cousin's many pals that lives at the bottom of a toy bin, except when
The Cousin takes him out for a diaper change, a feeding or a hug.

Nugget

Nugget, like Lambie, Lambert, Kitty and Rudy (the bear with the weird body) are all my helpers.  I use them on a regular basis to distract, entertain and stall The Cousin when such forms of manipulation are required.

But The Cousin is no dummy.  No way.
She's nothing like the 'trailers' who fit the cliche, "dumber than a stump".  She knows distraction when she sees it.
She's "onto me" big time and all the time.
In fact, she's always 5 steps ahead of me.

Nugget (unintentionally) being suffocated

 The Cousin is a busy girl. Her life is a full 32-oz glass.  There's always chores to be done, animal friends that need attending to, and of course, there's the "Sweet Pea" factor. But The Cousin doesn't complain much about her busy life.  She takes it all in stride and I'm sure there's a lesson in that for all of us.

The Sweet Pea Factor

"This"

"This" is getting less and less. THANK GOD (or the new scientific fact of the Big Bang Molecule).
"This" only occurs when she wants this:

The Bribe Factor

I just need to be one step ahead of her, which most of the time, I am.
Last week, though, because the 3 of us and all our f@#!ing animal pals were stuck inside due to lack of a stroller and rain, I was not in step.  Ever have one of those days where you can't find your rhythm?

I did resort to using food as a "mid-day pacifier. But I disguised it as a "learning tool".
Thanks to Trader Joe's, I had happy babes as long as I stuffed their little beaks with sugar.
We sang The Alphabet Song and I offered some quick-course instruction
in spelling and grammar.  
Sweet Pea can now indulge in "solids" as long as you pulverize it into teeny pieces.

Anybody, besides me, digging those new AT & T "It's Not Complicated" commercials featuring a small group of youngsters gathered around a table answering questions about life?

I would imagine those are scripted.
What I ink, and then share with y'all, is not. Unscripted all the way!
So stay tuned. The best is yet to come.
~tpg

What's Up?

“Do you want the small brush? The medium brush? Or the large brush?” I say to the artist.  

This week we’ve decided chalk and pens are for amateurs.  We agree that swirling and sweeping our brushes across blobs and dots of paint is the only way to go.  

“More purple Bal La Lee”.  

Did I mention The Cousin digs purple?  I did too when I was of the toddler age.  

I still do.  Purple is one of those gorgeous shades that no one can really deny its beauty or place in the world.  Teaching kids to make purple from red and blue is like offering them a small package of magic. THEY LOVE IT!

And so The Cousin proceeds in forward motion and she is so into it.  She sees no end in sight.

“More, Bal La Lee”.  "Again, Bal La Lee".  It’s somewhat frightening because you know; being the adult and all, that painting can’t go on endlessly into the night, right? But you also know, that even though you hold the cards, she holds the tantrum that is waiting to explode when you say that  it’s time to clean up the paints and brushes.  

Ahh, the almost 2-year old tantrum. It’s a special, special thing.

Sometimes I still have them.  But The Cousin's tantrums, though dramatic, don't last that long. She had a teeny weeny one today. Hell, she was tired. We turned on Pandora to our Raffi station and she wanted to hear Baa Baa Black Sheep. Since I don't subscribe to the Premium Pandora, where I'd have to pay, I get the freebie which doesn't allow you to choose specific song titles. Every other f@*!ing song came on except Baa Baa Black Sheep. I tried to sing and dance to the others, which usually makes her laugh and forget about the tantrum tornado that lay in wait, but not this time. 

The Cousin's technique consists of throwing her toys, throwing herself on the floor and flailing her limbs or choking Sweet Pea. That's it. Then it's over.

We had some "mini-episodes" today.  Nothing major.   

Although I feel pretty damn confident in many areas, I've never professed to mastering this job.  

I actually could use a nanny support group if the truth be known.

I came very close to calling my union rep today because had the tea been hot, I would have been fired. No doubt.  I put my cup up high enough, or so I thought.  But 'too high' and 'too challenging' are not in Sweet Pea's vocab and thank the Mother of God herself, the Moroccan Mint had cooled.

Yea, it's really funny.  Mommy's gonna think it's funny when the tea stain doesn't come out 

of your shirt or she sues my ass for child endangerment.

The other setbacks today were minor; simply one nanny's inability to set boundaries.

"Yep, I know I wasn't supposed to get into your bag"

And her inability to keep Sweet Pea's socks on.

I remember when my freshman English teacher at Camarillo High School had us write an essay entitled "Wednesdays".

It took me forever to even get a visual because at that time in my life, as so many other times, Wednesdays could be summed up in one word:   Boring.

Those days are gone, my friends.  My Wednesdays are nothing remotely close to boring now. 

There's something way cool about The Cousin's style.  Today's look is reminiscent of the young 

16-year old boys I see walking home from school, pants down below their asses, boxers in full view, skateboards under their arms...

And what about the bed-head? I am such a feeble opponent. 

She didn't want it brushed, so I didn't push it.

What's Up, Bed Head Girl?

It’s so cool to walk around downtown with The Cousin and Sweet Pea all bundled up and tucked in their double-decker Cadillac of a stroller. People are super-oober nice to me. No seriously. 

I mean I feel as if I’m actually reaching celebrity status.  Men smile. Old ladies say, “Hello” and tell me how terrific I am; what a great job I'm doing.  Other moms nod at me as if we’re in the same club and we have oodles in common.  I feel young because a few (a very slight few) ask me, “How old are your children?”  Now that’s worth a million bucks for sure. But then there’s the ‘assumers’, “Do you and your husband live here in town?”  But I’ll tell you what really clinches my jaw. 

It happened today.  So, I’m sitting on a park bench after power-walking for 30 minutes, singing my heart out in hopes they'll crash.  Finally, they’re both out.  It’s heavenesque. 

So I park the rig in the sun, put the sun protector flaps over their little faces, take off my glasses, close my eyes, lean back and soak up the rays. The only sound I hear are a few sparrows chirping in the distance. Gone are the screaming tantrums.  Gone is the hustle, bustle and mayhem of 2 babes throwing books, spilling juice, pulling their diapers off.  It’s just me, the sun and a few restful thoughts.

Then suddenly, some oblivious dude with a long gray beard and a SF Giants cap approaches the stroller, pokes his big ‘ole head in and with a voice that sounds like he’s just smoked a pack of Marlboro’s says, “Hey! Are the cuties twins?”

My Nirvana comes to a screeching halt and I instantly want to strangle him. 

The Cousin opens her eyes first. 

She’s petrified of the bearded man and starts to whimper rather loudly. I have absolutely no urge to be polite. 

I shoot him a look. He gets off easy though because I really just want to head-butt him.

I encourage The Cousin not to wake Sweet Pea, which is a joke.

Soon, we're all wide awake and we head for the park.
Today, The Cousin's dad meets us there and I have never felt so free.

It was quite pleasant actually.

A 2-parent family is definitely helpful.  With him on "swing duty",  I'm able to watch Sweet Pea and she actually doesn't have a chance in hell of eating leaves or wood chips.  I'm on it.

She did, however, eat peach yogurt earlier in the day. 

She's like a garbage disposal.  Man, I couldn't shovel the stuff in fast enough.

What's Up, Yogurt Lovers?

I think Wednesdays are under-rated. Hump day. Didn't we call 'em that once upon a time? 

We're half-way there; trying to make it to the weekend. But what exactly is our hurry?

These girls are "minute by minute" in a moment that could last briefly or for hours.  They don't give a damn what day it is. Every day is a great day!

They are blissful most of the time, and because they are... I am.

Well, it's almost 8:00 p.m. Nightie night all!

~tpg

50 Shades of Determination

The other day a friend asked me, “Aren’t you afraid you’ll get fired writing

about those two babies the way you do in your blog?”

…BIG PAUSE. (followed by) HMMM… (followed by) BIG IDEA

THINK BUBBLE…

You know, yesterday was actually so damn full of “Disney sweet happy” that

I really have nothing to blog about.  Good moods were had by all, pretty much for 9 hours straight, give or take a couple minor flare-ups.  It was weird.

As if every single care of theirs just melted away when I turned on Pandora and Toddler Radio.  We sang, clapped and danced into the afternoon to such hits like

Raffi’s “Down by the Bay” and Jewel’s version of “And the Green Grass Grows All Around”  and "Play Day" from her album The Merry Goes ‘Round. 

I never realized Jewel was a toddler phenomenon. Who knew?

Yesterday we had a play day! 

Sweet Pea, The Cousin and I got down.  The Cousin loves to dance.

Sweet Pea not so much. 

Sweet Pea’s thing is to stand up, though she’s not yet 7 months. 

Her determination is amazing and quite frankly, I wish some of us grown-ups had even a fraction of it.

Here’s an example:

She spots my backpack on the couch.  Yet, she has the attached pen of The Cousin’s  

toddler-type Etch A Sketch in her right hand and it’s clinched between her lil fingers 

like a jaw-grip. 

The same exact grip she had on my earring the first time we met, hence, I’m earring-less on Wednesdays.

Anyway, so she sees my bag and begins her infamous scoot-crawl toward it, using only 

her left hand on the carpet, as the right is gripping the pen and dragging the Etch A Sketch.  

She reaches the couch, balances herself with her left hand and presses her forehead into the couch cushion, using it for hand-like leverage to stand up.

And she f*#@king succeeds!  And the thing about Sweet Pea is; if you move her away from something she wants; be it, plastic bags, a knife on a counter, cleaning supplies…well, if it’s what she wants, she returns to it again and again. She’s determined and she doesn’t forget! This perturbs The Cousin because Sweet Pea usually wants what The Cousin is playing with.  Sound familiar?

I will climb these bars.

I will figure out how this damn thing opens.

 

I admire her 50 shades of determination.  It's 100% concentrated persistence and that's what it takes to make changes, to move mountains, to attain goals. What happened to yours and mine? 

Sweet Pea will make the unattainable attainable even though the baby books say she shouldn't be there yet.  She goes full-steam ahead, even though she crashes and burns.  Head bonking is not a deterrent.  She gets right back up.  The Cousin and I are amazed quite frankly.  

This little girl is something else. And I'm not just sayin that to keep my employment.  I look at her and I not only think determined, I think fearless.  

And again I wonder, what happened to mine?  

The Cousin exhibits determination as well, but not as much.  On Halloween, she was clearly determined not wear the sheep costume. Picture #1 indicates the start of her tool of choice: 

the tantrum.

Picture #2 is the full-on foot kicking and pounding of hands on the floor.  But she finally gave in and grandma was delighted.  I predict Sweet Pea won't give in when she hits the big age of 18 months.  Tough luck for grandma with that one.

Picture # 1

Picture # 2

I think it's good to reflect on our lives and the times that stand out with regard to our own personal persistence and determination. The times when we were over taken by huge jolts of both and we reached whatever goal we had our sights set on.  And then with that, came the most wonderful feeling of basking in the satisfaction of our own accomplishment.  

The best ones were of course the quiet ones; the ones we never told a soul. The ones we didn't need an award or recognition of any kind.  The ones where we felt contentment inside ourselves simply because we knew we had it in us.

Maybe we still do.

You can do it!

Life is good.

This song will give y'all a "jump start!" Perhaps offer up just the right amount of determination you might need to get going today!  Make something happen or at the very least, 

have a play day! 

Crank up the volume! ~tpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSObrQZByo8&feature=colike