Running Wild and Looking Pretty

Yesterday was rough. I'm talking Brillo pad. I was running on empty to begin with and they refused to take naps.  Now let me explain something to you about a 1.5 and 2.5 year old's refusal to rest their weary little heads. When toddlers refuse to take naps, it's quite frankly worse than building a bonfire inside an igloo. It sucks. It's chaos at its finest, and I embellish not when I say that the worst thing that explodes from every pore of their cute, pudgy, soft skin is a resounding, clear message of "I'M BOSS!"

Yes, there was a constant struggle yesterday for "boss rights" as 3 young, bright, talented women vied for this leading role.  It seems these two didn't get the memo that the nanny is the boss, and apparently, they will do more than arm wrestle with each other, to maintain the crown...
And along with this boss thing and the bossy, irritating behavior that accompanies being the head hancha, is this personality characteristic of wildness that seemed to split at the seams for 9 hours straight.

"I'm the captain of this ship."

"Let's have some fun!"

"Say what?"

Danger in the shape of something wild
Stranger dressed in black, she's a hungry child
No one knows who she is or what her name is
I don't know where she came from or what her game is

"This will really drive her crazy."

"No, Baa Bee! It's not clean-up time."

Hot child in the city
Hot child in the city
Runnin' wild and looking pretty
Hot child in the city                                              

"Give me the damn doll."

Things were basically crumbling by 10:00 a.m. 

Why I suggested making Playdoh as our project is beyond me. 

"I'm having little voices in my head telling me where to toss this flour."

"And you don't take me seriously because? 

Hot child in the city
(Hot child in the city)
She's kinda dangerous
(Hot child in the city)
Young child
(Runnin' wild and lookin' pretty)
Young child, runnin' wild

"Naps are for sissies."

"This is the closest you'll get to changing my diaper."

"I'm done with highchairs."

Truthfully, I felt my control slipping away from the minute the moms left for work. The Cousin's mom hasn't limited her television time and, of course, the first thing out of her mouth when her mom left was, "Wallery, can I watch Caillou?" I exerted my control, mentally patting myself on the back for the boundaries I was putting forth. Well, she threw the biggest f@#king tantrum that could be heard three blocks away.

You know if you give in when the tantrum arrives, it's all over people. They own you.

So I held my ground, tried to bring out the new wood puzzles, bowls of blueberries, ANYTHING to gain jurisdiction over the situation.  Things did calm eventually.

I was a wild kid too. Well, I had my days. My mom once told me when I was two, I used to roll down the backseat car window and throw my books out. And she, being a new mom, would pull off to the side of the road and fetch them for her sweet daughter.  Evidently, this continued for a while and then one day, my mom just kept driving. I guess my tantrum was epic. And you can probably guess; I never threw my books out the window again.
My wildness took a hiatus through high school, as I became "born-again" and spent my free time giving out Bibles at the local mall.
(You can't be too wild when you're telling people they need to be saved.)
But I found my wild child again in my late twenties and throughout my thirties. WHEW! Welcome back, baby! Those were fun times; wild, free and fearless.
Many of you know what I'm talking about and here's the thing. Whether these two girls are wild or mellow or a pleasant combination of both, I'll surely be along for the ride.

Here's a few quotes by a few famous folks with regard to wildness.

"I was a sloppy kid, wanted to be just wild."~Etta James
 

“Some prefer the wildness. Some the calm. There's enough of both in the world for everyone to have their choice. And enough time for any to change their mind.” 

~Nora Roberts

"Take a walk on the wild side."~ Lou Reed

"I'd like more of the world to go back to being wild."~ Hayao Miyazaki

And one more for y'all. Perhaps, the one I'm secretly hoping will stick.

~tpg 

"I need this wild life, this freedom."~ Zane Grey

Little Fairies Without a Cause

"Wallery?"
"Yes, my friend."
"I am so proud of me."
"You are?! That's great! What are you proud of?"
"I went potty!"
"Terrific! Do you want to go use your Elmo toilet?"
"No, thanks. I went potty in my diaper right now."

"I'm not joking."

Twenty-four hours later, and I still can't get the Caillou theme song out of my head.
You know how songs "stick".  And it's always the ones you don't really like; the ones that you never owned the album. The ones you heard your parents singing and you swore you'd never allow those songs to enter your brain..."You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you, you'd feel like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much..." So the Caillou theme song is as welcoming as an open-wound diaper rash, and I woke up with it on repeat in my head. I've attached the youtube for those of you who enjoy self-flagellation.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLbCedNKuxY  

So, that's me in my monarch wings at the Pacific Grove Natural History Museum. The Cousin actually took this shot. The Cousin also refused to put her wings on, so me and about 6 kids ran around the room pretending to be airborne. We're all aflutter, like little fairies without a cause and The Cousin just stood off in the far corner of the room staring at me with a blank look. I'm sure the masses don't expect a middle-aged lesbian to be flying around the airspace in large, cushiony, orange and black wings. It's 2013 and I'm sure many still think we just dig ditches, do plumbing and mow lawns.

I wish someone would have mentioned that a natural history museum equates taxidermy. Holy Shit! Glass cases filled with every fowl species known to a man with a rifle.  Cats, deer, muskrats, weasels and things I couldn't make eye-contact with. There were more taxidermy animals than on Wayne LaPierre's living room wall.

When we had entered the museum, The Cousin said, "Look Wallery! The tiger is angry!" And there it was, mounted in a large glass case overlooking the garden; an adult size, female lion with blue eyes and gnarly, saber teeth. She was staring me down.

"Wow!" I say trying to look natural and undisturbed.
"Why don't we find the butterflies and then the gift shop!"  

.......
And what can I say about a face like this?

"Real women enjoy their meals."

Well, a Sinatra tune comes to mind: "I Did It My Way."  And she always has done it her way.
Food is just one of her passions. The thing is, she especially digs fruit and her mom gives it to her like she's some sort of a juice processor. I changed four f*@king diapers of Sweet Pea's yesterday and believe me, they all resembled smoothies.

And I seem to be having challenges at the changing table of late. Last week, many of you recall, a clump of The Cousin's load managed to drop to the floor. Yesterday, due to Sweet Pea's innate desire to twist and turn while being changed, the entire diaper fell off the table.

"Is that Sweet Pea's diaper, Wallery?"

"Yes, it is."

"Why is it on the floor?"
"Good question."

Our day started out foggy, so we went camping. Caillou goes camping, so of course, The Cousin insisted we go camping, only I'd rather put a gun to my head than go camping with these two. And if anyone whines in the tent, like Caillou whines in his tent, it's all being dismantled.
We build the tent using strollers and blankets.
"That's a great idea, Wallery!" she shouts.
We all three have a discussion as to what we will eat on our camping trip. I tell them that roasting s'mores won't be practical. Sun-maid raisins it is! I then attempt to explain that raisins are dried grapes. They're not havin it.

A camping we may go...a camping we may go...

"Damn. These are good."

After camping, it dawns on The Cousin, that Nomi is in desperate need of a bath,

'Don't get soap in her eyes, Sweet Pea."

and Sweet Pea is in desperate need of the morning news.

"Garfield is getting so lame."

Well, girls gotta do what girls gotta do, just like artists gotta do what artists gotta do.
That's a fact.

"Don't bother me, Wallery. I'm painting."

"How do you hold this thing?"

When we head outside, The Cousin is excited to show me the garden. 

"This is mint. This is cucumbers. Don't pick the green tomatoes, Wallery. They are not ready.

Only the red ones."
She plucks a rosy cherry tomato and shoves it in her mouth without offering any to Sweet Pea,
Nomi or me.

Sweet Pea doesn't heed The Cousin's tomato warning and pops a lime green one in her mouth.

As that golden hour of 5:00 o'clock approaches, the inevitable is yet to come. 

What used to be a cheery little jingle, "Clean up! Clean up! Everybody do their share. Clean up! Clean up! Everybody show you care." has become, well basically, a dreaded f*#king chore.

This is an ariel view at  5:00 p.m. on any given Wednesday. 

And that's only one room my pals! That's only one room.

When I start singing the Clean Up Song, suddenly The Cousin is glued to Sesame Street and Sweet Pea decides she can read in Hebrew.

The new buzzword, I'm told, for doing three things at once is "tri-ti-tasking."

I suppose, since I do six things at once, I'm "sex-ti-tasking."

Sounds intriguing.
Most days, after we have our hugs and good-byes, I go straight home and take off the bra. I have no energy to do anything, let alone stop off at the store.
Yesterday was an exception. I needed a few necessities.
Cheers!
~tpg

Quittin Time

Sometimes 5:00 p.m. can't come soon enough. I say this because last week, I had to dig deep to make it to quittin time.  It was my own doing, as the week prior had been an exhausting week, filled with hills and valleys.
Can't really blame that on the dynamic duo.
No matter what profession one is in, and I do consider the position of nanny as an esteemed profession; No, matter what it is, you need to be on your best game in order to make it to the beautiful hour of 5:00 p.m. Kitty, who was also barely hangin on, and I needed coffee by 2:30.

"Gawd, Is it 5:00 yet?"

Back in the day, when I got my degree and thought I'd live and die in an elementary school classroom, prior to the plethora of other roads I took including that of  "Revered Trailer Park Manager, I was a dreamer and a believer that one never use television, videos or electronic games to entertain a child.

It was my firm and judgmental belief, that in doing so, you were "medicating the child. It was what "bad" teachers did, what "bad" parents did, what "bad" nannies did.  You know all those lazy asses that couldn't or wouldn't interact with children in a healthy way. You'd NEVER see me put in a DVD! Are you f*#king kidding me?

"I can save your ass today!"

Meet Caillou, my new BFF.  When there's a meltdown, either theirs or mine, I plug this bad boy in and suddenly silence fills the air as sweet as fresh whipping cream. Ahhhh...

With Caillou taking charge, everything I believed in goes way the hell out the window.  With Caillou at the helm, Kitty and I can take a brief, much-deserved coffee break.

She becomes catatonic. Yes, mesmerized.  And for a few precious minutes, I am free to clean off the changing table and get the Playdoh out of my hair.   

Caillou is actually a meaningful, healthy kid.  (That's how I justify putting him on.)  Seriously, he teaches many lessons and we can only hope The Cousin is getting them... Lessons around sharing, helping with chores, using the toilet.  Ah, yes, using the toilet.  Seems the sticker bribery technique is not really all that it's cracked up to be. Last week I asked The Cousin,

"Do you want to use the toilet? "

No response.

"You can give it a try!"

No response.

"There's some cool zebra stickers if you try."

"No, thank-you Wallery."

At least the kid's polite about it. 

So I put this episode on.  You know I went through the whole spiel about what a big boy Caillou is and how good he must feel when he uses the toilet.  She stared at me as if she was hanging on my every word. I thought I had her for a second.  Then, she asked for a cookie.

Caillou is like the perfect kid. He always makes good choices. Always makes friends easily. Always shares his toys with those friends.  His parents are perfect too, Doris and Boris are their names.  Although, Doris is usually too busy doing "mom-like things" to play with Caillou, Boris usually finds time for his son.  They're heterosexual, of course, although when I look at the dad, I sometimes see an androgynous woman and I begin wishful thinking, that Caillou and his sister have lesbian moms.  

I'm a weirdo, I know.  But check 'em out!

Bonnie and Barbara with their two kids.

You know nap time is as effective as Caillou.  I actually got them both to fall asleep at the same time last week; miracle # 1, and if I produce a second, the Catholic Church will canonize me to sainthood.  

I have to admit, they wake up in such sweet little moods.  It's as if, during their slumber, the lavender sparkle fairies, from the Good Ship Lollipop, sprinkle all kinds of niceness dust and cousin chumminess all over their bodies.

"I'm so refreshed."

"I'll pretend I'm mellow just to make them happy." 

I got her that tee shirt when she first popped out of her mom.  Little did I know "Future NFL Linebacker" would have been a more appropriate logo.  Sweet Pea does like books.  She really digs ripping the pages and eating the covers best of all.

Here's a few fun games we played after nap...

Smelly Feet.

Smelly Diaper.

And the traditional Hide-n-Seek.

"Shall we have bananas for snack, girls?"  My weak attempt to break them of the cookie habit.

"YEA!!!!!" they yell in harmony.  So we head to the kitchen, as bananas require a booster seat and a high chair to alleviate spot clean-up later.  No sooner than I give 'em their healthy bite of potassium, Sweet Pea gives me a gift to remember.

"Gee thanks, doll. Is it quittin time yet?"

"What's not to love?"

Let me tell ya, that face can get away with Dexter-style murder.  She'll charm the pants right off ya and 5 bucks also, to have them dry-cleaned.

And this one's charming too...

And oh, my dedicated readers, I hope you feel as if you know these two lovlies. Because, believe you me, they're so worth knowing.

See you on the flip side!

~tpg