Just finished surfing the check book register for last month's purchases...What a change in businesses now sucking my money! What once included Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, Chevron, Amazon, Bev Mo has now been replaced with Pet Co, Pet Fun, Pet Smart, The Barking Lot, and 1800PetMeds. The Queen of the Park: Queen Delilah Flamingo Victoria of Prunetucky sleeps on an Orthopedic bed; completely padded with an Egyptian cotton blanket and matching pillow, has a Martha Stewart bed with "throw" as a second option, Grain-free bone-shaped multi-vitamins, organic (also grain-free) chicken stew with peas, carrots, sweet potatoes and flaxseed, peanut butter hip and joint relief supplements and an organic cotton, hypo-allergenic environmentally correct "pee pad." "HAIL TO HER MAJESTY!" who eats better than I do! Of course, to ease the guilt that penetrates the edges of this trailer girl's "Obviously haven't had enough therapy" heart, is the brand new assortment of organic deboned chicken and cranberry cat foods, seafood flavored vitamin supplements, furry toy mice, and catnip-filled snake-pillows that I've purchased for the 8-year-old feline resident of this unit paradise and his pal "the grey stray."
The Queen even received a package from her Auntie: a Lands'End candy-apple red fleece jacket with her name embroidered in silver to match the trim.
Of course, I'm freezing my ass off here because turning on the heater seems to cause Her Royal Heiness' allergies to flare-up.
But send no pity my way faithful followers, for as begrudging as this all might sound, I f%*~*n love this dog. I melt with the wag of every tail and jump to service with every soulful and longing expression. She is now my entrusted companion at "Ice Tea Hour" and I confide in her all the secrets of this fine community in which I am at the helm. This is a tremendous amount of responsibility I place on her. We park residents lead such secretive and sordid lives, which of course, gives us a much-deserved reputation. Do you remember Paula Jones? The Clinton aide that accused him of sexual harassment and settled out of court for a 6 figure amount...
Thanks to both Ann Coulter (May you soar with the flamingos, Ann) who, in 2000, publicly denounced Jones, calling her "the trailer-park trash they said she was," and who can forget James Carville's widely reported remark, "Drag a $100 bill through a trailer park, and you'll never know what you'll find."
Well, James, if you drag a 100 bucks through this park, make a stop in front of my carport, what you'll find is me heading to Pet Smart... that's for damn sure.